She had a secret life! A life lived quietly and lived out with love and dedication unseen by those who knew her. And it was slowly killing her.
Was she a spy, or a clandestine hero?
No, she was like millions of others like her – she was a caregiver for her spouse.
November is National Care Givers Month and for most of the population it will go unnoticed like the selfless caregivers themselves.
Who are these caregivers and why is this worth talking about?
In the United States, we have evolved to two life situations that put caregivers in an untenable position.
The first was a slow cultural move from keeping our elderly parents at home where their children, and extended family, cared for them. We now have an ever-growing system of adult care homes that range from assisted living to full-service nursing care. These facilities vary in quality from, frankly disgusting, warehouses for the aging to extravagant retirement facilities. As with most of life, where you end up depends on how much money you have when you need these situations.
What does adult care cost on average today?
- The patient lives at home and attends a Day care facility – $1,500/week
- The patient is placed in an adult care facility – $4,000/mo ($10K memory care)
- Spouse home caring for the family member – $44K to $60K/yr lost income.
Spousal guilt and love, and/or the inability to meet these costs, causes the caregiver to end up at home with a growing emotional and physical burden.
Another societal shift has been to raise our children to expect to be able to remain at home, dependent, and not encouraged to support themselves. These are typically adult children who may or may not be asked to pay the family to help support them. As employment prospects change in society these children may be whole young families moving home.
What does having an adult child at home cost?
- Adult child remains in home, no new additions – $500/mo
- Adult child is disabled – $9,000/yr (depending on disability severity)
And now let’s talk about that secret life. This is the life of the caregiver, the one who steps in and shoulders the load for all the care. Just writing a check and going back to work is the easy part. The real work is when somebody is given the job of meeting the daily needs of another person. And in many cases now, the daily needs of more than one person.
These people might walk 7,000 steps a day just inside their home. They will change bed sheets, prepare meals, help put on every piece of clothing, help bath the person, get them medications, take them to the doctors, and listen endlessly to repeated stories and ceaseless demands. And the cared for, the elderly spouse or parent, is frustrated because they do not wish to be in that position, they did not prefer to become dependent in life.
And then add dependent children to that home and the caregiver is expected to assume the jobs a care facility would employ at least 4 employees to manage.
It is not uncommon to have the caregiver succumb to the stresses before the person being cared for leaves the home or dies.
And – these “Caregivers” live these lives in secret. You do not recognize them at the mall, the supermarket, at church! There are no fundraisers or Gala benefits for them! And they die unsung, frequently even by siblings who would not help, but will fight over the property after the funeral.
There are many options available to support caregivers and I encourage you to learn about them before you need them. And – listen for the hidden signs of that secret life. Look for the face full of exhaustion, listen when a friend just wants to talk. And be willing to pick up groceries, and even drive so the caregiver can get a loved one to the doctor.
Remember, November is National Caregivers Month, and a time for you to become aware of the secret caregivers in your life, and to potentially see your own future. Don’t waste the time.